We are approaching the one year mark rather quickly with Baby A. It feels a little odd still calling him Baby A as he is now walking around and 4x bigger than he was when we picked him up at the hospital. And as we get closer and closer to his first birthday, the questions are ever increasing of what the decision will be in regards to his permanent home. And with the rise of questions comes the ever increasing feeling of failure, failure to be able to adequately explain where our hearts are at in a quick 30 second answer. So this is my attempt to explain the tension we are living in and the lessons we are learning.
First off, we have no answers to where A's permanent home will be and with the way the system is set up it is looking like we won't have any definitive answers for awhile. Is this frustrating? Some days, but most days we live out our normal lives attempting, like everyone, to strive after seeing each day as an opportunity to love those around us. For us in this season, that means A and his mom as are often our focus of seeing each day as an opportunity to love. Not tomorrow. Not a month or year from now. We are given today and each interaction with them could be one of our lasts, so we need to keep love as our central focus. With that being said, we are learning that love can be hard (earth shattering I know). The past few weeks I feel like we are gaining a better understanding of how God loves us.
Many people when they ask about A's situation go quickly to asking questions about his mom that imply they don't think highly of her. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I do not always speak highly of her (and therefore I am to blame for many of these negative thoughts y'all have), and I am working hard to know when and where are appropriate times to process my feelings and frustrations, but it's kinda like when someone speaks poorly of you or a loved one without knowing you or your loved ones all that well. You know how it's fine when you make fun of yourself to a new acquaintance, but it's not ok for your new roommate to do the same? You see, there is this part of us that loves and cares for A's mom so deeply. We have found ourselves privy to many parts of her life story, learning some really hard things. Some of these things are of her own doing, and others she had absolutely no control over. And all of these hard things have been what have shaped her into who she is today. Our hearts break on a regular basis for A's mom, what her life has entailed, how her struggles are affecting this case and for so many other reasons. And in this heartbreak, I feel like we are learning how God loves us no matter what we do, because He loves us for who He created us to be. We are striving to love A's mom this way. To love her because she is a human being who longs to be loved. She is worthy of being loved. She has been hurt. She needs loved. Does this love mean we agree with everything she says and does? Does loving our kids mean we approve of when they say mean things to each other or blatantly disobey? No. But that's what is amazing about God's love...it isn't tied to our performance, our obedience, it's tied simply to the fact that it is who He is and He bestows who He is on us. He is LOVE. We want to be this kind of LOVE to A's mom.
And that's where it gets even stickier. The common question: Do we think A should go home? As of today, not necessarily. We want A to be in a safe, stable living environment, and we aren't sure that would be well provided if he went home. Does this mean we don't want A's mom to get her son back? NO. Do you see the mess? The tension? The confusion? While A's permanent placement obviously affects his mom, in our hearts and minds we have to separate the two of them as individuals. We want A safe and well-cared for. We want his mom healthy and able to keep her son. Can these two situations coexist? We don't know...So we pray. A LOT. And we love. HARD. Because those are two things we know change things, and those are two things that are within our control.
So here we are. In the midst of a mess that confuses my heart and mind on a daily basis (so I don't really expect that this post makes much sense to you...), but it is a mess we wouldn't trade for anything, a mess that we sometimes strive to make sense of and other times we just sit. Sit in the mess. We feel frustrated or angry or joyous or distraught or helpless. We feel so many things, just like so many of you do in your own messes. So if you take nothing else from this, know that we are all in this mess of life together, and all our messes look different. And our advice for this mess of a life is this:
Pray A LOT. Love HARD.
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