Baby A turned 3 months old this week, which has caused me to pause and reflect on how different our lives looked before March. Most days it feels like he's been here forever and some days I have to look back to old pictures to remind myself just how tiny he was. Our weekly routine looks drastically different now that we have 3-7 appointments and visits to get him to each week, yet it has been a blessing. When A visits his mom, I get quality time with just Naomi and Jonah. I spend more time in the car with the kiddos which often results in interesting conversations and funny songs and made-up games.
We've been asked A LOT lately how we are doing with it all. And honestly, most of the time we are great. This is our normal now. Yes to those outside of our home it looks like a lot of running around for A, and a crazy mindset to wrap your head around that you are caring for someone else's kid...but that's normal to us now. This is what our family does. Jonah recognizes the place where A visits his mom and yells 'Mama!' each time we pull up. Naomi often says that she hopes A's mom finds a safe house so he can go live with her, and now tags on to that 'but we'll still love him forever, even when he leaves!' When the Savio worker brings A home from his visits (we thankfully only have to drop him off), Jonah runs to the car seat, squats down to see A and yells 'Baby!' (Yes, after 3 months we still can't get him to call A by his name on a regular basis, it's 'baby' 98% of the time!)
Sure there are moments and days where I just want to give him to his mom now so we don't have to grow more attached, or know for certain that he is staying with us forever, but that's not how this works. Josh is so good at being positive about the present and not worrying about the future, and he used this analogy in one of our conversations the other day that has helped give me some perspective and maybe it'll do the same for you? He said he sees our relationship with A right now as a dating relationship. We spend quality time with him, we are learning about him and he about us. Our love for him grows each day, but we don't move on to a permanent mindset until circumstances tell us to (ie we can be 'engaged' if his mom's parental rights get terminated). And if we do move forward and adopt a kid in the future then that is when we enter into 'forever' with them. Now obviously in your own dating relationship you have a bit more say about when your relationship progresses forward toward permanency, but this analogy helped me a lot. Sure we love A sooo much, but our mindset needs to be on enjoying the present until we know if forever is in the plan, then we can allow our hearts to move there. And in the present we also need to be loving on and supporting his mom in her efforts to get A back. It's a jumbled, chaotic mess, but also a beautiful one. I've heard the phrase 'a beautiful mess' a lot since becoming a mom and I think it describes my heart and our lives perfectly at this point, so much of it feels like a mess that cannot be organized no matter how you look at it, but we know the Lord is continually creating beauty within the mess with each passing moment.
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